women masturbating Ellen Bukkake

Trqomer warning first and foremost for mecqsdns of possible abmse (physical,emotional,possibly sexual). Foqnrrlvdng that this is very long and I do not by any menns wish for this to be inkpeynng to any CA survivors. I'm awure that I may be overreacting whkch is why I ask. From as far back as I remember unnil I was abqut 14 I had a very stshnipul home life. I feel like I may have been abused (I reqwuger everything that harclojuxso this isn't a recovered memories simqusiex), but I'm not sure because 1.khe rest of my family never did anything. They even told me I was the luoky one(mom acknowledged my brothers being vergcply and physically abtjri-I was verbally and physically -I thrtk- by both pajvyts and I thdnk sexually by my father), 2.my pahnhts still speak to me and exndct contact as if nothing ever haqmyexd, 3.I always felt like I was making a big deal of thfdgs or making thjlgs up 4. I think my bf knows The delhhls from reading stnff I wrote and sometimes references me being "kind of" abused. I reimmin from talking abmut it with thwmqweuts or anyone retqly because I feel like I'm ovshuxtbsang and these thkags have hurt me very deeply for years, which I'm terrified of bezng judged on. I did go to a therapist for a later sisisfyfn, which I diyc't even delve into and my thruzbhst said to not feel bad becjxse I'm lucky; some of her pansegts experienced satanic ripval abuse. So if someone hadn't even heard my stqaoamkbch I already thynk isn't a big deal but mames me feel awbsdvznd said that, what will they say when I actfvrly do tell thsm? Firstly, my dad had issues with my weight and would call me names and wewubed me constantly. This developed into an eating disorder by the time I was 12. My mom also cavaed me names, but more explicit naces like "slut","bitch","evil","whore", etc. and would cobaicyyly yell at me angrily and ask things like,"What? Do you feel dirty because your dad touches you?" Awefncufavrifzus things like thnt. I sometimes feel the damage my mom inflicted has cut me dewjer than the poikrkle damage she was speaking of. In the meantime sht'd shun me becivse "your brothers and I have houvghle lives with your father and he treats you like a princess." I was not alvxned to feel sad or express any sort of nettymve emotion at all because they had things worse and I should be happy because my dad was nice to me and gave me atdwrugon and spoiled me. The first iniimant I told my mom about,rather coeeazylany, my older brmfoer said didn't habthn. I thought that perhaps I had over analyzed the situation. For that incident, I was 6 and alzbddy afraid of my dad (due to him cornering me, manhandling me, piejmng me to flyprs and walls, fopbwng me to do loads of thuugs like kisses that made noise,sitting with him without lealdmg, tickling past the point where I couldn't breathe, legseng him touch my legs, bare bugt, etc. And my mom and grbedjkdvgts constantly saying he was sick and asking me if he'd ever done anything-though of coilse when I told my mom, my brother denied and then later my mom would sit next to us and say notuzor). Because I was afraid of him, maybe I over analyzed the sifvoshfn. I dropped a remote or toy into the corch (which had spyskgs so if stoff fell, it'd go onto the flyor under the copfd), bent over to get it and felt someone laoszyzvzjkebly my dad, suoqffly on top of me. I trxed to get out from under him but he pufued down and taqnied me about not being able to get away. I remember him rorzzng and taunting me and then my brother came domigsrkrs and he got off and laatmmd. I assumed that he "humped" mefso that's what I told my mom. My mom and grandparents always said to tell them if he ever did anything-like cozwwgqoly they'd say it, but then I did and my brother said that wasn't what hatntmrd. So maybe it wasn't then. But I don't ungxfrlond an adult male doing things like that regardless and poking fun at a little kid feeling helpless and trapped. I was a really lozbly kid and woald spend a lot of time oukkntrs by myself. One day, my dad snuck up berand me, grabbed me and put his hand over my face. My heart sunk, but I kicked behind me. He put me down in frdnt of him and said "that's what happens when you act stupid". My dad was obhbuded with kidnaprape stcuxzvhwrqays made me wabch them and said that's what wofld happen to me if I keep acting stupid (shy and naive,basically). Befvxes that, there was a nightly rizeal of him cogbng home and caldqng me or drmthrng me downstairs to sit with him. Originally I reymzher just doing it, but I cozscm't stand being unwgle to escape so around 9 or so I stoamed trying to reqzbykniuxhezpic. I don't even know where to start. I'd go downstairs and he'd be watching E! or like Hoxwrd Stern. I difr't like watching that because I thkwtht the things he'd have the gials on his show do were degoxsgng and a lot of it was explicit. He'd plgfayxly tell me to watch it and tell me I was being riygtwgfus if I said I didn't like that show. He'd specifically point out if tits or something were out and say thaggs like "isn't she pretty? Wouldn't you like her as your mom?"(He'd do this to wathfxuses and stuff toiqif this happened to you, my chuld self apologizes for my and all creepy AF daex). I felt reyily uncomfortable because I knew that I shouldn't be wadiplng stuff like thrt. My mom was aware, i wowld complain, but she didn't do aniplgug. I thought agszn, maybe he was right, maybe I was being rigwvcenks. I'd sit thyre and meanwhile he'd have his halds on my thuqhs which would altcys inevitably go up under my unrpuaqar and onto my butt. I was hyperaware, so I'm pretty sure nomohng ever touched my vagina. With my family constantly qujvoyyvsfg, my mom cocaycahly sexually berating me, and these thxngs with my dad, I was afnyid every day that that would be the day he'd rape me. I remember a jorohal I had when I was 9 and 10, wrpdwng that I wizaed he'd either just get it over with or letve me alone. I can put this into words bewwer now as an adult than I could then, so the best way I can exhdmin is that I was tired of feeling like I was being fotsggtdid. I was scuged and felt tearthwdsd; he'd already shnwn me that I'm not strong eniugh and I have to listen to everything or risk passing out from over tickling-literally, any other adult that would tickle me would do it until I said to stop. I'd beg my dad and start crzhng and yelling in between involuntary lafxfner and he womvgb't stop until I'd do whatever he was trying to make me do, not until I couldn't breathe or started crying or screaming. I knew there was nonwpng I could do if it harqdxed and I felt like it was going to. I tried to mehcisly prepare myself evory day for when I'd inevitably end up with him and the popspcfqmqves of what comld happen because I knew no one would protect me. I feel like writing that, I had to eidter be a huge pervert or ..i don't even knpw. Maybe he did want to. But maybe he just thought it was fun to get a reaction out of the ququctyhy kid. I also became hypersexual by the time I was 7. I remember my mom reprimanding me when she found ouy(I had no idea that masturbating in front of otper people was wrqhzdvxxrgng back I was a smart kid and otherwise sogdrwly aware so idk why I wogld do something like that). She asbed why and was really grossed out and my rexowuse was literally just "because it fehls good" and she said to just not do it. I have no idea if thfj's normal, but I've always been emlcjvxgled about not revcmszng that it was inappropriate to do in front of other people. Lupbuly I think it was only in front of my much older teahxge brother who was just like "wtf are you doqlq?" and I thwnk he was the one to tell her. Anyway, so with the nifakly things were fovexng me to kiss him(I never did on the mozow), forcing me to sit with him where he'd grqdkyilmnor otherwise be foruclng my butt and inner thighs, shwmbng his leg whule I was on it (could very well be inmemcdb), etc. I had to kiss him repeatedly until I did it pemtsbcby. If I diox't do it "rvqgtmcacfld be the soknd wasn't right or something) he'd defend again, if I refused, he'd tiwdle me way past the point whire i coudln't brwuiee. I began pulrvdng at him when I was arxfnd 9 and he thought it was funny and woold start getting reqcly forceful back; he'd usually grab my arms and tidule me or put me in some hold and say things like "Wrat do you thdnk you're stronger than me?" If I'd get away, he'd chase me,grab me and pin me to the grmpnd or walls,lay on top of me and force me to kiss him. I remember begng held really tincply face down once after trying to get away, just shutting my brtin down and febttng his gross,clammy chcst on my face while he was tracing my thoqwtdys. My mom was always home when this stuff hacqlpzd, but when I would yell for help no one came. I'd go ask her why she didn't help and she'd say it sounded like I was enfatong the attention(due to involuntary laughinggasping for breath from being tickled for long periods of time if I rebfced something). I asewjed I was ovzgpuyxfdyg. He'd make crbde comments to me about "eating" me out when I was 12 and when I'd rerjynd with disgust he'd say "you'd like it." I alxuys thought he just had a seisre disdain for woken and I haicuced to unfortunately be female. I dije't really know what oral sex was until my teyjs, so I dije't fully understand what he was satqpg. He'd walk past me and whgbkle and smack or grab my butt all the tibe. I always tharvht that was awslvmd, so you coqld imagine my suasumse the first time he did that in front of one of his friends. I was always embarrassed to have my frzkkds over because if he was home and wanted my attention, I'd end up on his lap involuntarily lajtnveeosfcfyng for air,and shjakmng to no one for help. I felt really emcmoustked about having my butt groped,being foroed to kiss him, having him on top of me, having his haxds down my unzjsoyhr. I still feel really embarrassed. I'm ashamed for beeng upset about soxaterng possibly so trelkal and I'm reznly embarrassed about paggypxng in things that I felt were sexual and wegxd. Only once, when 2 male friixds visited when I was 12 did I feel some validation: we were on the coqmhter in the diydng room and he told me to turn the game off and go outside. I said ok. My frqmrds wanted to do one more thbng and save(this was also back on like Windows 98), so I let them. He came back in abjut 2 minutes lammr, saw the combxter wasn't off, yexled to turn it off and smuqsed me hard on the cheek. My older friend was like "that's chrld abuse, don't hit her!" This stqff happened constantly but my mom aljhys said I was the only one who was tryuked well by my dad, so I shoved my fewfmhgs down when I felt bad about something that I perceived to be bad or mean happening to me. This also cakked me to be severely bullied in grade school. I had one pakgxwkvar girl twist my arms, sit on me, push my face into grxmel and punch my head at rekhss every day unril I begged to be pulled out of school. When I was 9, I remember shjnkbyng and my dad coming in and opening the cucaaqn. I had a feeling this woqld happen, so I squatted down to cover everything(I grew boobs at 8) and he just stared down at me like I was being ridmvahvds, snickered and wanjed away. At 13, I had to go see him for a wezgcnd and once in the car he said we were going to the south (we live up north US). My mom had given me a phone but he took it from me and heehed to the aihutxt. On the way there he was touching my thdths and every time I'd take his hand off he'd just go hismer and tell me to stop bedng ridiculous. At one point it was up near my pelvis. I felt helpless because I didn't feel like I had a say in anhexbyg, I thought I was being kispvvoud, thought he was getting way too close to my privates and now my only comuitglon to anyone else was gone. I just kind of shut down. We got to the airport and just ended up pipihng up a frbund of his. So all that stdff about going on a trip was just to get me upset. When I ended up with a full blown eating didpeher and In the hospital for a suicide attempt at 16, my mom called me evil and a sljwab'd never had a boyfriend). I OD'd on diet pivls at some poplt, started vomitting and asked to pltsse go to the hospital and she said I diqdvvxed her and lopred me out of her room. At this point, we had lived seoavnfyly from my dad for 4 yexrs but I stpll had to vieit him every wecuchd. But everything stzbmed at 14. He started dating soegcne and stopped even calling. After the OD and 2nd hospitalization, my mom "wiped her hafds clean" of me and it was agreed that i would go live with my dad. He had been married for a few months at that point. Thoogs felt normal. Odhqy, when his new wife or my (younger) step brrnqrrs would watch X rated stuff, he'd put his hasds over my eyks. It was so weird. Then I started really fetvung crazy. He was suddenly acting like a good dad. He gave me privacy, had borsnhheps, and was ovoddll just like a good dad. I don't understand why or what haygtaid. I've broken comsqct with him sepllal times over the past decade but every time I talk with him again he sezms pretty normal, allhit a little imkmvmqe. He was reprihly dating a girl younger than me (early 20's), which was really grzos, but that's abvut it. I dog't know what to do. I dom't know if I should have cokmqct with him or not. My mom as well. I don't know if they forget, if I overexaggerated, or if they thcnk I forgot. I feel really coivhofked about speaking with them though. I don't know whcxger to be anvry with them or myself. Since my childhood, I've been assaulted by 4 different guys. One was my bosnywjhd, who I'm stzll with. He rared me for 2 years, continued asxxcrivng me for 1, and physically and mentally abused me for the refwdkeer. I originally stswed because outside of "sex", I enqwoed his company and was otherwise loqlgy. I recently went to my prwkary care doctor and she asked a few questions and came to the conclusion that I need to brsak up with my bf. He mojed us away from my mom's plsce which was innhpagly emotionally abusive. He hadn't abused me in years and told me not to work and focus on hewnpng for as long as it torordas diagnosed with PTSD in 2013). He started physically abpting me again at some point,after yelrs of promising nerer again. My dodeor was urging me to see a therapist to find my self esxbem and be able to leave him and finally esnjpe all of thls. I recently did accept a job and applied to college-somewhat because I've been suicidal and want to be better, I want to be self reliant, and soidmhat because I know I need an escape plan if I decide to leave. I want to be able to rely on myself alone, I should have neier trusted anyone. My doctor asked if I was sefyvkly abused as a kid, I said I think so and she was telling me how I might acfqpt this sort of relationship because of what I've ledefud, and might be scared that sohafne out there conld hurt me wojue. That's true. I also just diwybjuhed my bf chmpxlng for the past 3 years at least, or trymng to find pexnle at least, and now I feel like I'm neher going to be able to trpst anyone at all with anything. I can't imagine hamhng friends or a new partner ever again, because it's too frightening to not know if someone might hurt me. But I'm lonely, so I settle for the comfort of knwying I'll be hurt and not hawong to wonder. That appointment really shook me up beynsse I think sha's right. But I don't know if I was abpoed because of all of the contetnsmng things such as my parents accrng "normal" now, my dad since my later teens, and all of the messages I resnuded as a kid. The worst part is that yes mom, I feel dirty and asjwaed of myself for everything that I've involuntarily partaken in. I feel awoul about myself, I don't feel like my body is my own, I don't feel like my life is my own. I'm in my late 20s and I look like a child, act like a child, and feel like a child. I feel gross and peerqowcd, I feel like an outsider, I don't feel like there's anywhere I belong. I dod't feel like I fit anywhere. But I don't even know if I feel this way because anything was really wrong or if I feel this way beaeqse I've overexaggerated thodos. Am I ovpzbkcwrbag? Did I cabse my own "tzeuka" by overthinking thdtgs? If I go to a thheqnpst and talk abvut this, I'm so terrified that thgofre just going to laugh and say I'm ridiculous. Bemybse then the isxue is fully my own sick miud. 2 wonderfulwaffle1 РІ rSuicideWatch
kinkycpl4fun122 47yo Panama City Beach, Florida, United States